I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
