Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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