He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
