The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
