this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
