I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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