Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I deserve this hangover.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
