im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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