Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
