I accidentally had phone sex last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We are all done wearing pants today
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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