I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
