Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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