I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
