So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
