people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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