Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
