She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize