the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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