You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
