And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
