A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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