this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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