the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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