history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
