i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
