It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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