I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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