im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Less talking, more tequila
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
