I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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