based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
