I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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