Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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