someone get that fucking seahorse.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
