Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
