just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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