Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
