I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
