I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
