Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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