K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
