I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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