just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
