the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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