Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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