I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
