you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My orgasm happened in two different decades
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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