Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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