Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
