My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
