Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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