Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize