She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
