theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
