OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
