I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
