the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
