i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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