It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hippo gnu deer
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
