I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're like the curious george of whores
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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