my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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