Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
