I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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