He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize