Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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