just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
