getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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