just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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