singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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