How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
