Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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