the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
